For the longest time, my spouse would say she had nothing to talk about.
Then, the more she and i spoke about Jesus and Jehovah, His Father in Heaven, she found she had much to talk about and loves that.
So, i have been thinking, feeling and noticing for the last year the things i have to talk about. Especially, feeling it.
In the work i do, it carries a great deal of responsibility, i am constantly stressed, short on sleep, and my head is running like crazy about all my “clients.”
The work i do is not pretty, glamorous, monotonous or boring. In fact it can be down right ugly and depressing many times. The fun times are really not what we would normally call fun.
In my work i share a lot about Jesus and His Father. Discussions are many. Agreements and disagreements.
In the last year every time i speak to a friend or my spouse i have felt a pain in my very being as i have the conversations. Because of my work and the time and energies it consumes i really do not have a lot of friends. I guess you could say it is by choice. I have one friend i speak to the most, and this particular friend i have never even met face to face, in person.
When i speak to my son, i try to mainly speak about what he and his wife are up to but the conversation always ends up talking about my work too at some point and of course it will usually involve a ugly story.
The feeling i get in my chest is horrible. The guilt of putting my friends or family members through the stories of my day is disgusting to me.
In other words i get disgusted that it is all i have to talk about.
I do not have anything fun to talk about because i do not go anywhere or do anything. Mainly because we cannot afford it. I do not get paid in the work i do. I operate our own nonprofit public charity.
So, last night as my spouse and i were here at home and i had just gotten off the phone with a “potential” client that i was doing research on, i came across some very disturbing information about them on Facebook, along with demonic photos of their family life. (By the way, i declined assistance to the potential client)
I disturbed my spouse and freeked her out. I was disturbed and irritated at the photos and the whole story behind it all. I was so disturbed i had to call my friend and share it with him in order to let it go through my head. I also wanted him to see how things happened in my world. One that i do not choose but rather have been “called” to. I was once again disgusted with myself for calling him and sharing my ridiculous day. This friend has been a priceless confidant and helper. Both personally and in business.
My spouse has listened to my ranting and frustrations, along with experiencing first hand all the ugliness of our business and the resulting stress it puts on me. Stress that i end up venting outwardly to her and my friend i speak of. Neither one need it or deserve it. I do not talk to my spouses brother anymore because i hated having to fight sharing anything about my day with him. I refused to do it because he has a very simple life and i have not wanted to corrupt or damage that with my stories of doom and gloom. It is MY problem, no one elses. Typically, i have always been one to keep all of that inside and let Jesus process it for me. However, in the last year that doesn’t seem to be the case. I cannot seem to hold it in and let Jesus have time to process it for me. It has been too much for me i guess. Or, reality states…maybe i am simply burnt out…toast….fried from this work i have done for so long.
So, as it has been hitting me for the last year that i have nothing to talk about that is fun…like: Kayaking adventures or camping or going dancing or maybe even a party or a nice dinner or heaven forbid a hobby i am into or again heaven forbid some fun my spouse and i had on the weekend maybe going to a fun activity near us. Nothing. Nothing but the ugliness i do for work.
Yes yes yes….i talk about Jesus and Jehovah all the time and yes there are great things there. I am talking about a separate issue here.
I am simply talking about having a life. The tagline for our business is “Taking back Your Life”. I think it is time for me to do that for like the umpteenth time. A Life of my own which i can share with others. Positive uplifting things. I am or can be a very fun person. I know this. I love doing things for others. Helping them move, helping fix their car our house or what have you. I am a loving mate/spouse. But it is so hard to be that in the work i do on a consistent basis. My head is too full of crap all the time. of damaged lives and people struggling to survive day to day. I cannot sleep at night.
So…. especially with recent developments and occurrences in my business, i can see that i am burnt out…toast…fried to a crisp and no longer at this time anyway able to or desiring to continue with what i do.
As always, when ever i try to go a different path other then what i believe i am “called” to do in Jesus’ name…He and His father Jehovah always always always bring me back in and make me do what they have told me is my “job”. It is almost like they are saying…”Whatever!” Get back to the job we gave you!
I still have things to finish up currently with some of our clients, my clients, but once that is complete within the next month i hope i will be setting my nonprofit work aside. No, i won’t most likely stop it entirely forever. History shows that i do not. But i will most definitely be doing a lot less. I have even been applying for actual paying jobs!! Whoo hoo! I will be asking Jesus and His Father Jehovah to let me take a rest from our nonprofit Mobile Crisis Unit, have a life to better share with my spouse and any friends i may have now or in the future. To have better stories to tell or share and to be able to spend time having fun with others.
Some may say i am giving up…..well i could have easily given up on me, on Jesus and His Father, but i have not, not at all.
I believe i am improving on me and will see where Jesus and His Father Jehovah take me next. I pray it will be interesting and uplifting for all i come into contact with. I pray they continue to allow me to impact others, but maybe in a more positive way and not one so dramatic.
I pray they allow me to enjoy my spouse, my son, the few friends i have and the one i talk to the most, our dog Tobie and for them to be able to enjoy me, rather then hear my venting all the time.
I am praying selfishly i guess…..for MY life today so that i can be a better spouse, father and friend to others. So i can fulfill what Jesus and Jehovah want for us all to do…and that is to help others when we can, simply live a good life, and be well and do what they say.
For me…..I believe….
Even Gracie, was subjected to my work, my clients. She helped me see which ones were not who they should be. She was a smart girl. We miss her deeply.